We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
