dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
