im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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