Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
