Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
