I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
