sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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