I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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