I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
