I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
