i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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