i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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