Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
