Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
