Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
