seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
