Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
