Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
