Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
