fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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