good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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