If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
