yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
