oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
