The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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