Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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