I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actions speak louder than pants.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
