Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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