Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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