Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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