Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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