fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
