im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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