Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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