I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
