haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
