she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
