i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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