tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
