I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
