When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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