i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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