I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
