I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
