I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I don't deserve a penis
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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