I can feel you judging me through the phone.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
