Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
