Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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