I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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