I want to make a zoo with you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
