It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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