I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
